For Better or For Worse. For Ian.

You have died before I spoke my first words.
You have lived before I walked.
You were dead to me before I was forced into a world I don’t want to be in.
Ian you should mean absolutely nothing.
I shouldn’t know you.
I shouldn’t want to touch your face and look into those eyes.
The eyes of someone who is so alone; so blue and clear.
Such a longing to not be noticed and yet, cared for.
Or want to be near the voice.
The voice that carried the souls of the lost children to the hollows of their own personal hells.
And then leaving us there to rot for awhile.
But one time, you reached out for me in my sleep.
With sprits ghostly hand and twitching body.
I can hear your heart in a dream, for a little while.
Then I wake up at witching hour.
I just want to hold your hand.
I’ll be ready for the day when you can take my hand and take me away.
Just rid yourself of flesh and bone.
Now you are the stars.
For better or for worse.

beach

I felt like a little girl. When I died. It was white and I was on a. Beach. Cold and rocky and foggy. The Crow said don't look. And I didn't. I waited for birds wings. And I saw them. But I saw them on a man. He was clothed in all black. Gently, oh so gently, he lifted me out of my prison of flesh. He carried me to the beach. I was young. Ageless. And in my mind beautiful. It was how I looked on my wedding day. White dress with a black band around my waist and no shoes. He, the angel of death, set me down. I took it all in; the rushing water, the sand in my toes, the rainy sky. I had a handful of purple flowers. I saw deaths messenger on the rocks. Just sitting starring out into the abyss. I knew instantly who it was. "Ian..." he turned around. My voice sounded like a small child. I held out violets. And he shook his head and sighed. "They don't help you here." He said. "They're for you." "I don't need them." I sat next to him. Close. Too close maybe as he jolted slightly, causing the black feathers to ruffle. "I..um.." I looked him in the face. "I love you." Ian sighed deeply. It was useless but at the same time relief. I felt tears well up in my eyes. But I expected it all damn it. I touched his silver face. He didn't wince, but looked down at me with big eyes as blue as the ocean. It was his sea of lonliness. And I can't save him. He dosnt want to be saved. He kissed the top of my forehead, and hugged me, nay, held me. I cried so hard. I cried for days and days pleading don't go. He pulled away from me when he felt my body, or, my spirit. Weaken. His fingers danced in my hair. "I don't know if I care." He said. I nodded. How I longed to be in the safety of the fold of his wings and the beating of his heart I can still hear. He kissed my lips softly. "Go away now." He said. "But..." "GO." He was final and I didn't argue. As I walked away I looked back and saw him fly off, to collect another soul perhaps, to take to the endless beach.

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I Want To Lay Next To You.

True Story

I dressed up to go to bed. I put on my favorite black dress and painted my lips and eyes black. I put on my best jewlery and fixed my hair. Then I laid down on my bed. Flat on my back, arms folded across me. I'm waiting. I'm waiting for Eric Draven to come. Someone to hold me, protect, love and kiss me. To touch. Someone that will never leave me. I sit up and light a candle. I let the wax drip on to my arms. It hurts so much but I don't want to do anything about it. It left marks on my skin. This is true desperation. I've felt it before and I know. I blow the candle out because I can see my shadow on the wall. It's ugly. It's a horrible birthmark of my state. Parents are no help. School. That's all they want from me. Where are you Eric? I made myself beautiful for you. Dressed to impress the shadows. But all there is is my own. I hate it all so much. Living. It's endless. I want to die. But I can't. I can't because I have to work. I feel trapped. Someone help me... even though I know I'll drown. But at least I look pretty. I set the candle on the window and leave it open. Someone come and love me and take me. Someone come and take me away.

This Is Robert

This is Robert Smith. Heheh.. my friend made me an adipose from doctor who so I decorated it.

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